MST3K5: It's 2, 2, 2 bad fics in one! I think...
by Phincus
Summary: Mysteries solved in this fic: 1: Why I call her Regina Valentine, 2: Wheather or not the theater can hold more then 3 people. Wait, that was already known wasn't it...?
1. Chp 1? What the...

Mystery Gamer Theater 3000  
  
In a not to distant future  
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5  
Lara and her worthless friends,  
Were caught in a nasty place  
  
Lalala  
  
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics   
To let them suffer and mock bad fics  
They're there because Lara is an annoyer  
And she went and offed her employer  
  
"I'll send them cheesy stories."  
"The worse I can find!"  
"They'll have to sit and read them all,  
and I'll monitor their minds!"  
  
Lalala  
  
Now keep in mind they can't control  
When the torture begins or ends  
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of   
Powerful drug-esque friends  
  
Oddly named peoples Roll Call  
  
Jeeves (you ate Jeeves! You bastards!!!)  
  
Darc'i (This is just like that movie…wait, no it isn't.)   
  
Regina (Ooh, I've got two legs from my hips to my toes, and when they move they walk around, and when I lift them they climb the stairs, and when I shave 'em they ain't got hairs! Ooh…*bang*)  
  
If your wondering how they're still alive  
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes  
It really just still a stupid show  
And you should really just relax  
  
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!  
  
Regina is standing in the middle of the rec room staring at the ceiling. Suddenly the lights indicating an incoming signal begin to flash, she wacks them and goes back to starring.   
  
Natla: Ah, Regina, I-what are you doing?  
  
Regina: What is this thing in our ceiling? How did it get there?  
  
Natla: You'll find out soon enough, call Lara and Darc'I in here.  
  
Regina: They're napping…  
  
Natla: My gads! Is that all you people do!?! Wake them up! NOW!  
  
Lara and Darc'I wander in at that moment looking quite bleary eyed.  
  
Darc'I: Whadda want? Is it time to go home?  
  
Natla: *laughing* Hee-hee, oh, you guys are so cute when you're sleepy, any ways; I've got a few things to tell you.   
  
Lara: Huh?  
  
Natla: First: I've found you not one, but TWO new fics!  
  
All: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! They aren't as long as the last one are they?!?!  
  
Natla: No, they're both short. Second is I'm sending someone over there! Now you won't have to sneak people in behind my back.  
  
Regina: *whispering* how did she know?!?  
  
Suddenly a faint screeching sound is heard.  
  
Natla: Well, that'll be her, Regina, don't stand there, got to go, buh-bye.  
  
Lara: Don't stand where?  
  
Regina: There's a big round circle up here, looks like it can be opened too.  
  
All 3 stand under it starring, as the screaming sound gets closer Lara and Darc'I glance at each other then move out of the way. Regina remains where she is as the screaming gets loud her and louder and…  
  
???: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Regina: Huh?  
  
The circle on the ceiling opens and someone falls right on top of Regina.  
  
Regina&???: Ahhhh! Son of a! Crap! Mother that hurts!  
  
Lara: Who is it?  
  
Regina: Get the hell offa me Jill!  
  
Jill: You're the one on me you dip!  
  
Regina: The hell!  
  
Jill: I'm telling mom! Get off!  
  
Darc'I: 'mom'?  
  
Jill and Regina get up and stand glaring at each other.  
  
Lara: You two are related?  
  
Regina: *still glaring* We're sisters…  
  
Jill: Unfortunately.  
  
Regina: Oh shove it; you're lucky to have such a great character as me for a sister!  
  
Jill: Oh, yeah, right, I'm older.  
  
Regina: And that means what to me?  
  
Darc'I: You two are…sisters? *screwing up her face, then bursting into laughter* Oh gads! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! Oh man!  
  
Lara: *glancing between Darc'I, who's now on the floor laughing, and Jill and Regina who continue to glare* Um, well, Jill, nice to see you again. Uh, as you can see we're sorta stuck here, soooo…  
  
Jill: Oh, hi Lara, hi…Darc'i. Are you OK? *Darc'I continues to laugh and shakes her head* Uh, what are you all doing here anyways?  
  
Lara: Natla stuck us here, we read bad fics and mock them.  
  
Jill: I…see, need help?  
  
Regina: Yes, you can take my place! *begins to walk off*   
  
Jill: Oh no you don't.  
  
Lights begin to flash, bells ding, and the usual.  
  
Lara: Story sign, let us mosey!  
  
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater.  
  
Lara goes in the middle, Jill to her right, Regina to Jill's right, and Darc'i to Lara's left.  
  
Resident Evil: School of Evil  
  
Regina: *in a weary tone* Is this going to be educational…?  
  
As Sherry rushes around her house preparing for school she bumps into her mother Anette  
  
Jill: Who whips out a gun and begins screaming hysterically at her.  
  
"Hey you what are you looking for?"   
  
Regina: *as Sherry* The G-Virus!  
  
She asked as she smiled and down at her.  
  
Lara: And mocks her *as Anette* I'm taller than you are! Nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh!  
  
"My backpack, I can't remember where I put it" Sherry said as she run upstairs to see if she left it her room. Anette smiled as she watched her run up the stairs  
  
Darc'I: It was time to give the kid more drugs to help with that pesky little memory problem.   
  
  
"I found it!" She yelled down to her and ran down the stairs quickly and  
  
Jill: Tripped.  
All: Ow! Oh! Stupid! Son of a-!  
  
headed out the door, with her bright pink backpack in hand and stopped at the bus stop Anette watched as she stopped and waited with her friends at the bus stop.  
  
Regina: Right in front of the bus…   
  
Anette checked her watch and wondered when her husband would be returning because his shift at the umbrella lab was almost finsihed though she knew that that dosen't always mean that he would be returning.   
  
Lara: Yeah, he was probably staying late to avoid her terrible cooking and Sherry.  
She sighed as she leaned her weight against the door frame of the house  
  
Darc'I: It promptly collapsed on her.  
Lara: Ah! Shoddy workmanship!   
  
they have not spent much time at, about a month sense she and willaim  
  
Jill: 'william' must not be very important if his own wife can't manage to capitalize his name.  
  
were called to help with the G virus after the 'mansion indcident' the fools at the mansion hadn't taken the precautions voiced by her and Willaim and the T virus got serouisly out of hand and when the stars arrived that just made matters worse a lot of people had made Willaim and her out to be monsters, They thought of moving out of town and communting to work via Umbrella's train that ran beneath the lab, But decided to stick it out for Sherry's sake she would have lost alot of friends, and they had moved so often sense working for umbrella they were going to make thier last stand in this town, even if it killed them.  
  
Regina: You see, up there, where it says 'She sighed as she leaned…'?  
Darc'I: yeah…  
Regina: Well, from there to 'even if it killed them.' Is all one sentence.  
All: *looks of shock and horror*  
Lara: Only once before have we seen something like that and it was way back in our first fic!  
  
The squeal of bus brakes caught Anettes attention,  
  
Jill: Oh my god! They ran over Sherry! Woohoo! Wait till I tell Claire!  
  
As she watched Sherry board the bus they exchanged a smile, As the bus pulled away and both Anette and Sherrys' day were begining,  
  
Darc'I: But Sherry's was just about to end because we are willing her to get eaten by something or other. C'mon, get eaten! GET EATEN!  
  
On the bus Sherry was seated at the back as always she's seated with her knees pressed to the back of a seat as she wraps her arms around her legs,  
  
Lara: What monotony.  
  
She knew something was going on more then what her parents tell about what they do, She's heard the stories before and wondered if they were true, As she brushed her hair out of her eyes, She looked around the bus and wondered how many of the kids belived the story,  
  
Jill: Believed that her and her family were really all werewolves, it wasn't true! It wasn't! We were just idiots, that's all!  
  
The bus squealed to a stop as she looked waht stop they were at, It was Tessa's she had atleast one friend in this town.   
  
Darc'I: But if seen together her friend denied all knowledge.  
  
"Tessa" She called as she waved to her directing her to set with her. Tessa made her way to the back of the bus. "Hey Sherry whats up?" Tessa asked as she sat down beside Sherry. "Not much, what about you?" Tessa noticed that Sherry was a bit gloomy,  
  
Regina: Just the way she liked her, easier to pummel into submission that way.  
  
"Well I heard some more rumors about that old mansion" She frowned and continued   
  
Lara: *as Tessa, hopefully* You're moving there?  
  
"Really? why did my parents make monsters, that's what everyone else thinks" She said as her face twisted in disgust.  
  
Darc'I: *as Sherry* I'm disgusted! Wait, maybe that's disgusting…  
  
"It's not like that, people just want to blame other people I know there not toally responsable and everything will blow over" Sherry sighs as Tessa finsihes her setence "I don't think so, but thanks anyways" Sherry replied with a smile,  
  
Regina: Grr, they're trying to substitute comas for periods again, the nerve,   
  
As the bus neared their school Sherry notices some strange looking birds resting above the schools clock.  
  
Jill: How had they gotten way up there? Were they alive? Dead? Edible?   
  
The birds gaze made Sherry unconfortable.  
  
Lara: But then, whenever anyone looked at Sherry she got 'unconfortable.'  
  
The bus squealed to a stop and  
  
Jill: Everyone was flung head first through the windshield.  
  
the driver opened the door and  
  
Darc'I: Shoved…  
  
the children file out and into the schools main entrance as Sherry passed under the odd looking birds she shivered slightly.  
  
Regina: They had just crapped on her head.  
Darc'I: *as Sherry* NOBODY LIKES ME! THIS IS THE PROOF!  
  
"See you at lunch" Tessa called as she noticed a group of her friends and headed toward them "Ok" She replied, As she watched Tessa simply walk up to her friends jump into a conversation.  
  
Lara: Actually, she started a conversation by jumping ON to one of her friends.  
Jill: *as Kid* Ahhh! Monster! Get off!  
Darc'I: *as another kid* Wait, that's not 'sposed to happen yet!  
Lara: *Yet another kid* Oh, it's her, let's kill her!   
  
She envied her a little and decided she would join the converastion, Tessa caught sight of her and motioned for her to  
  
Jill: Stay back.  
  
get closer "Hey this is my friend Sherry, She moved here about a month ago" Tessas' friends each  
  
Darc'I: Glared.  
  
said "Hi" as the glanced at her for a mintue and contiuned in their chat fest, Tessa looked at Sherry and smiled at her, Sherry felt a rush of confidence, Maybe she'll have more than one friend in this town after all.  
  
Regina: But it didn't seem likely.  
  
Sherries eyes scanned the hall full kids that were running and talking some of them were even playing with handheld games,   
  
All: Resident Evil Gaiden *shudder*  
  
Sherry walked over to a brown haired young boy playing pretty noisy game, And  
  
Darc'I: Slapped him.  
Lara: Turn that down!  
  
watched over his shoulder as he played it, He was shooting at something the sounds of the gunshot were pretty real sounding and after the target had fallen to the ground it let out 'Aoorr'  
  
Regina: Since when do GameBoys do any thing but beep at you and say 'Fatality' in MK4?   
  
"Cool game" Sherry said as she still looking over his shoulder. The boy turned to face her and said "Yeah kinda hard though, wana try?" He asked her handing the small game to her   
  
Jill: But he immediately pulled it back and yelled 'Just kidding!' Sherry ran to the bathroom to hide after that.  
  
"Sure" She said as she took the game from his hand "My names Sherry whats yours?" She asked him as she started playing the game   
  
Regina: Tyrant, uh, I mean…  
  
"Tyler, nice to meet you" He said as he watched her play, "You need the key to get through that door, it's not far from here" Sherry nodded as she understood his directions and turned the character the oppisite direction to go  
  
Lara: Key hunting, oh wonderful, wonderful key hunting, and I would know!  
  
into another room that wasn't locked as the character enter the room there was a sound of footsteps, "Press the B button to rasise you weapon and A to fire ok?" He asked her Sherry again nodded a grey figure approached the character, "Whats that?" She asked Tyler  
  
Lara: A lump of pixels that supposed to look like something scary.  
  
"Thats a monster I really don't remember it's name" He said as he shrugged his shoulders, And Sherry smiled.   
  
Tessa looked over at Sherry who was behind a young boy, and smiled as shes glad to see her doing more than sitting behind a desk waiting for the bell to ring. "Seems like your friends going to be ok after all" one of Tessas' friends spoke up. "Yeah she'll be cool." Tessa said as she smiled,  
  
Darc'I: Then they all burst out laughing.  
  
The five minute bell chimed as Tessa finished her sentence.  
  
Regina: The author seems to depend on 'finished their sentence' sentences to keep you from getting confused.  
Darc'I: Well, it isn't working.  
  
"Looks like we better be going" Tyler said Sherry looked over her shoulder and nodded and handed the game back to him,  
  
Lara: *holding onto something like it is stuck* Come on, let go, leggo! LET GO!  
  
"You don't say much do you" Tyler asked her   
  
Jill: She merely pointed to where her mouth had been stitched closed.  
  
"I guess not, My friend Tessa says I need to be more outgoing, I guess she's right, do this tomorrow? She asked him smiling, Tyler shrugged his shoulders and said   
  
Regina: With all the gang activity in this town I'll probably be dead by then.  
  
"Sure" Sherry walked over to Tessa smiling "See it's not that hard" She told Sherry, with a smile "Yeah your right" She replied  
  
Lara: Panting.  
  
the two headed into their classrooms.   
  
As the class was about begin, A bird landed on the window "Caw" the bird called out the kids in the classroom gather around the window to get a better look at the bird,  
  
Darc'I: Jeez, what is it with little kids and birds?  
  
As the teacher entered into the room he noticed what was happening he walked upto the window "Whats this?" The teacher asked outloud "It's a bird Ms. Ryner"  
  
Lara: 'Ms.Ryner'? Their teacher is a cross dresser?  
Regina: Sounds like someone we know (mst3k: 3 Attack of Angelina Jolie and her lips)  
  
A little girl in a winter jacket said as she looked up at the teacher He smiled in reply, and looked closer at it, "It's a crow but badly decomposed" He looked closer the crow began to peck at   
  
Jill: His face.  
  
the window, it jumped up and flapped it's wings as it clawed at the window, At this point the teacher was worried "Ok kids back away, this crow is dangerous"  
  
Darc'I: It's armed and dangerous! Look out! It's got a gun!  
  
Another teacher entered into the doorway and asked "Whats going on?"   
  
Regina: Nothing a super cross dresser such as myself can't handle! Cue the music!  
  
The teacher shrugged his shoulders and replied "I have no idea but there all over" Meanwhile in Tylers' classroom, almost the same thing was happening, Tyler was at the window tapping at the window for a moment in different places in the window, The crow quickly looked in the different places he was tapping "Man this is weird it looks dead but it's not." Tyler said outloud as he stared at the half dead bird. Suddenly wndows shattering are heard from far away then closer and closer, 'Oh god' Tyler thought to himself He backed away from the window and looked around the room and then to his teacher "Run"  
  
Lara: No, wait! Stay! There isn't enough room for all of you in the teacher's lounge and that's the only safe place! Stay, STAY!  
  
His teached yelled to them, The kids quickly filed out of the room and began to run, As Tyler left the room he glanced over his shoulder he saw it, A dark wave of death, there must be a hundred of them swooping the in their direction Mrs. Ryners  
  
Darc'I: Oh, now it's a married cross dresser!  
  
teachers eyes scan around the hall looking for some refuge from this wave of death. The libaray She  
  
Jill: Where they would perform many seemingly useless puzzles, involving cogs and precinct keys.   
  
thought there's no windows there. "We need to get to the libaray kids follow me" Tylers teacher said. Meanwhile in Sherries classroom the storage room door opens and the kids step out. "They must have gotten bored with us" Sherry's teacher Ms Ryner said as she steps put of the doorway and notices the room is free of the crows,   
  
Regina: Wow, how did they get such a genius to work at a grade school?  
  
Mr Tevin closes the door as he looks at the front of it, "Well we got through that one barley" He said as he noticed many heavy claw marks on the door Sherry, Mrs Ryner along with the other kids exit the room.  
  
Jill: Christ, they're making such a big deal over a few dead birds! The birds don't even look dead! They look perfectly normal and they can't do any damage worth worrying about!  
  
Regina: Kind of like compys, guess there is one in every game.  
Lara&Darc'I: Not ours.  
  
'Still think everything will blow over with my mom and dad Tessa?' She thinks to herself, As she looks around the hall for anymore crows, Careful not to make any noise Sherry walks past an open locker  
  
Lara: And was immediately pushed inside, she found her self face to face with a tall guy who had a mullet. She screamed and passed out. The end!  
  
that has been strached at there the crows went clean through the metal. She swings the door open a little more and looks through the holes made by the birds.  
  
Darc'I: At this point a crow jumps out and gets her, the end!  
  
As the group rounded the corner they see someone on the ground, It seems the person didn't out run the crows Sherry gasps as she notices the straches can be seen deep into the body, Most of the flesh was ripped from the body as the crows devoured it, Mrs Ryner looked around to find a place to keep the kids safe, and Noticed the first aid room, He jiggled the handle.  
  
All: Arrgh, it's male again!  
  
"It's locked" Suddenly the sound of footsteps filled the hall, "Those don't sound human" Sherry said "Too may footfalls" Mrs Ryner agreed as her heart started racing. Not wanting to know what was about to round that corner. Just as the monster rounded the corner, 'A dog?' She thought to herself,  
  
Darc'I: No, wait, it's Sherry!  
  
'My god what happened to it?' asked herself as he saw that pieces of skin were missing as other weren't now bloodied by the open patches of skin.   
  
Jill: Okay, I know what they're talking about, but I'm still confused.  
Regina: But aren't you always…?  
Jill: *slap*  
  
the dog, or what was left of it snarled at her, and begin running at full force She noticed a loose peice of wood  
  
Lara: Hmm, loose board, how convenient.  
Jill: I'd like to see her fight it off with a dinky little knife though.  
  
and took it in her hands as the dog approached her, the dog lept at she put her weight into the peice of board swinging it hard, the dog hit the ground and yelped. In the sick room,  
  
Regina: What the hell? How did they get there?  
  
Sherry looked around the room to see what is useable, "Gauss, medical tape, alcahol good we most of what we need" She began to stuff the items in her backpack as she wondered what else she might need "Are your parents doctors?" asked a younger girl that Sherry had never seen before all this.   
  
Darc'I: *as Sherry* Nope! They're alcoholics! *pretends to take a swing of the alcohol*  
  
"Yeah" Sherry replied quickly. Back in the hall Mrs Ryner watched the the dog as it got back up after being hit by a the piece of wood She held in her hands. It started to charge to him  
  
All: Err. Him, it, err, what ever.  
  
again when suddenly two gunshots ring out throughout hall, Ms Ryner turned quickly to face the person who was firing as   
  
Lara: They sure that shouldn't be 'at'?  
  
kids rushed out into the hall to see what was going on.   
  
Jill: Many were killed as the cop shot at them, the teachers went and had a party shortly there after.  
  
Mrs. Ryner quickly noticed a tall black man in a policemans uniform. "I'm from the RPD my names Marvin I'm making sure everythings ok,  
  
Regina: *as teacher* Of course everything is okay! We've got it all under control, you can leave now!  
  
where's the other students" asked Marvin to Mr Tevin "Not sure, I was about to start class when the birds came, now dogs, what next plants attacking people?" She asked still shocked by what has happened, Marvin raised an eyebrow in sarcasim,   
  
Jill: *looking at a schedule* She's due to meat either a zombie, tyrant, nemesis, or plant thingy next.  
  
As her eyes scan the parking lot she sees a couple busses remaining "I'm going outside and see waht I can find" She tells the kids "You guys stay in the first aid room lock the door ok?,   
  
Jill: No! Wait! Is there a magic box in the corner!? Is there soothing, but creepy music playing?!? Is there a typewriter on the desk!?!  
  
Sherry your in charge It should only take a minute or so."  
  
Darc'I: Sherry's in charge? Well, my guess is that she's trying to kill the kids and then run off with the cop who will be horribly slaughtered as soon as they reach the police station.  
Regina: Wow, Darc'I, our very own physic!  
  
As Ms. Ryner heads out the front entrance to see if there's anyway away from this place  
  
Darc'I: *singing* I wanna get away…! Ack! *everyone clobbers her*  
  
She heads to a bus hoping for a keys   
  
Regina: Hmm, it's a school bus, there are kids around who could steal the bus, c'mon lady. Put two and two together, the keys aren't going to be there.  
  
she quickly notices the cruiser that Marvin must have arrived in the door is still opened she wonders if there might be a weapon inside, She leans into the cruiser, she sees a shotgun, but it's bolted into a steel bar, "Switch switch where's a switch for this thing"  
  
Jill: Switch for what? The gun? The radio? The TV? I don't think metal bars have switches…  
  
She mumbles to her self as her eyes scan the numerous buttons that line the dashboard She quickly notices a button marked  
  
Lara: 'Raccoon city go boom'  
Darc'I: She quickly pressed it.  
  
'Shotgun realese' "Bingo" She said with a smile   
  
Darc'I: She was smiling 'cause she was contemplating how many kids she could kill in one shot, those things have range man!  
  
the released clicked open and Mr Ryner quickly takes the shotgun, "Hope Marv dosen't mind" She thought outloud as she steps away from the cruiser  
  
Jill: Wait who's Mary? Wait, get back here! Tell us!  
  
she hears moaning from behind her Ms Ryner quickly turns to face the sound, 'It's a child' She thought as she backed away from the rotting thing 'Jesus the smell'   
  
Regina: Kid, you ever heard of a bath!? Peeyew!  
  
Ryner covered her mouth as she looked at it, Her grip on the shotugn tightened as she knew what she had to do, She then pulled the trigger, The body was thrown back from the impact of the shotugn rounds.  
  
Lara: Rounds? Anything that small shouldn't take more then one shot, but then, I guess if she's a newbie she wouldn't know to just shoot it and run.  
Jill: Bravo Lara, I'm impressed, you've beaten all the games I 'spose?  
Lara: Yup, nothing else to do out here.  
  
She sighs as she boards one of the buses still in the lot she looks around the drivers cab, nothing she then looks down the isle of the bus She smiles as she sees the keys at the back of the bus, 'Why would they be back here?' She thinks to herself as she walks to the back of the bus.   
  
Jill: Because a partially decomposed bus driver is going to jump out and try to eat you when you go over to pick them up, duh.  
  
She suddenly smells somethnig foul she stops and looks up as she dose she see's a creature crawling on the ceiling. " Oh God" She says as she grabs the keys that were at her feet quickly backing away from the creature, It drops infront of her, Ms Ryner quickly aims the shotgun at what looks like its head,   
  
Darc'I: But Ryner didn't teach biology and hit it in the, err, lower back.  
  
It's brains are exopsed as are the the muscles claws protrude from it's front legs she fires the shotgun the creature filps backwards and as some fulid from it's brains spulrt up, Onto her  
  
Regina: NOOOOOO! MY NEW DRESS! YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I MAKE!?! THAT COST ME A MONTHS SALARY!  
  
as she watches as the creature writhes in pain.   
  
Lara: It was actually laughing at her.  
  
As soon as it stopped moving Ms Ryner opened the emergency exit door and kicked the creature out of the back of the bus,  
  
Lara: It was still laughing so hard it didn't care.  
  
She didn't need the kids seeing that, She then quickly heads back into the school as she dose she quickly looks around to see if there was anything else that would threaten the childrens safety, Nothing 'Good' she thought to herself as she entered the first aid room, Where Sherry unlocked the door. "Thanks hun"   
  
Darc'I: *as Sherry* It's Sherry.  
  
Ms Ryner said quickly as she entered "Ok here's the deal kids I'm going to have to look around the school for the rest of the classes please stay here" Meanwhile back in the schools halls Marvin makes his way through the school wondering if there might be any survivors here. Meanwhile marvin raoms the halls in hopes of a any alive  
  
Regina: So there's two cops now? 'Marvin' & 'marvin?' I am so horribly confused.  
  
, He shakes his head as he thinks back when he first saw one of the zombie creatures as he was on patrol one night while filling for one of the patrolmen who when he went to a residence to check on a prowler  
  
All: Huh? *again*   
  
, He wondered how many victims there are in the school, He has little time to work with he had to find the survivors quickly and get them out even quicker.  
  
Jill: Which meant that we will get out of here even quicker, go Marvin!  
  
Inside the library  
  
All: NOOOO! Not the library! Monotonous puzzles involving cogs and other such gizmos! The horror! THE HORROR!  
  
Tyler and the other kids sit and wait. Tyler can see he's nervous as he paces  
  
Darc'I: Well, it's good that he can see when he's nervous, he would be pretty stupid other wise.  
  
, He then stops for a moment and tells them. "I'm going to try and find anyone else who has survived this, Tyler your in charge til' I return lock the door after I leave ok?" Tyler quickly nodded  
  
Regina: Wait, Tyler just realized he was nervous, then he told himself to stay here while he goes and looks for survivors and then he agrees with himself? Oy vey.  
  
and Mr Tevin stepped out into the hall where   
  
Lara: He immediately got hit by a car for some reason.  
  
they had been only moments ago. As he walks down the hall he sees more bodies mostly kids, He shakes his head in disgust.  
  
Darc'I: Disgusting children, sleeping when they could be helping him!  
  
The sound of someone moaning could be heard in the distance he sped his walking following the sound til' he saw a child walking around, with his back to him. "Hey you ok kid?"  
  
Jill: *as kid* Ugggh, noooo, I ate the school's hot lunch! Blargh!  
  
He asked as he put his hand on the childs shoulder, It turned to face him, and Mr Tevins mouth dropped as he took in the childs apperance most of his skin had been devoured by those birds most of what could be seen is exposed muscle, and skin that remained is now gangreen in apperance  
  
Lara: Okay, now what I don't understand is how all of this happened so quickly. Doesn't that virus take days to turn you into a zombie? And I didn't think the birds could infect you, also…  
Regina: Jeez! Lara, give it up! They're plot holes okay? P-L-O-T H-O-L-E-S.  
  
"Help me" The child mummered as he stumbles toward Mr Tevin, He steps back and looks for something to defned himself with "Get out of the way" A voice shouts from behind him Mr Tevin, ducked quickly as soon as he heard the voice two shots were fired and body dropped to the ground bleeding and twitching as if there was still some brain activity,  
  
Darc'I: *as Mr. Tevin* Ha, ha! Those rascally kids! What will they think of next?  
  
Mr Tevin looks up at the person who had just saved him, "Thanks" He said as he looked down at the zombie child and sighed, He looked up at the police man that had saved him. "My names Marvin  
  
Jill: That's nice; do you have a last name? Or do people just always call you by your first name?  
  
are there any survivors? We need to get them out of here quickly"   
  
Regina: So that WE can get out of here quickly.   
  
Mr Tevins face grew pale as he  
  
Lara: Realized he hadn't been to the bathroom in over 6 hours.  
Darc'I: Be right back! *huff, puff, other sounds of running*  
  
knew there more of the children that were going to turn to zombies. "Yeah in the libaray as far as know there's more we need to get them out of here before more of these start showing up"  
  
All: Bother we aren't going to say to 'huh?' even.  
  
He said as he looked down at the childs body Marvin nodded in agreement and then started heading back to the libaray. Outside the school several trucks baering the mark of Umbrella pull up. A grey haired man steps out of a Hummer and approachs his commander and saultes him, "Situation sir?" The grey haired man asked The commander begins   
  
Regina: It's raining heavily, 10:00am, good thing we brought lots of umbrella's, this is going to be one hell of a…thingy.  
  
"We have several BOW's  
  
Jill: Are clowns wearing these 'BOWS?'  
Regina: Oh! Creepy!  
  
roaming the halls of the school you have to go in and take them out DO NOT try to rescue any suvivors,  
  
Lara: Yeah, they volunteered for the TV show, thus we cannot pull them out or they might not win their 1 million dollars or their car.  
Darc'I: Sir, can we kill them? Or maybe FOX? For making us watch these damn reality shows?  
Lara:…yes.  
  
that's not our priority at the moment we want to keep the numbers of BOW's as low as possible, Hunk this maybe your thoughest mission yet   
  
Jill: 'Thoughest?'  
  
we figure theres thirty minutes remaning before the victims turn, We're also setting bombs along the school to level it and trap the BOW's if they're not killed by you they will be killed by the blast, Also were pulling out as soon as we plant the bombs" His commander told him, Hunk frowned in disgust,  
  
Darc'I: Like us, he hadn't understood one word of that.  
  
He then saulted his commander and replied "Sir, what weapons will I be carring?" His commander hands Hunk a case, Hunk opens it and smiles in amusement.   
  
Lara: *as Hunk* Sir? A toilet brush is not a weapon.  
  
As Tessa forces open the door beneath a set of stairs her eyes scan the halls for any more crows as she squats in the doorway, nothing just silence that was a confort knowing there's nothing ahead of her, as Tessa steps out of the door, She notices bodies all over in pools of blood,  
  
Darc'I: *as Tessa* Dammit! That one owed me 10 bucks!  
  
She feels a knot in her smotach  
  
Regina: 'Smotach,' I'm not quite sure why that sounds so cool but it does.  
  
as she sees there patches of skin are missing probally devoured by those birds , She forces her eyes away from the bodies and continues down the hall glancing in every classroom as she passes by them looking in through the small windows nothing, Just more bodies 'God what if I'm the only one who survived?' She asks herself.  
  
Regina: This takes a moment to sink in, but as soon as it does she begins cheering, does a little dance, then goes to raid the teachers' lounge.  
  
'Jesus what about Sherry and the others?'  
  
Darc'I: They owed her money too?  
  
The thought hit her like a ton of bricks, Her mind raced to figure where any survivors might be. She speeds up her walking and heads for the music room.  
  
Jill: Really no reason they might be in there, but then 'music rooms' generally do have a great deal of musically oriented puzzles.  
  
She passed by more bodies and shivered as she wondered what it was like to be eaten alive.  
  
Lara: Then she realizes she probably doesn't want to know.  
  
Tessa wasted no time in getting to the music room, As she wondered what had happened to her friends, She pounded on the music room doors "Hello?" She called out 'Oh god please don't let everyone die' She thought She pounded again "Hello?!" her cry grew desprate as she thought there was no one else in the school alive the stories she had heard filled her head with horrid images of her fighting to survive, Even though she hasn't seen anymore creatures she was still very worried about what might happen.  
  
Jill: She never saw any creatures, just the crows. She a physic or some thing?  
  
After waiting for what seemed an eternity the doors locks clicked open and Tessa rushed inside glad to see another human face, She squated infront of the girl who let her in. "Have you seen Sherry Birkin?" she asked her, the girl responded with a shake of her head.  
  
Regina: And began to tell her what happened to her, but Tessa just said 'I don't give a damn about you! I got to get my money from Sherry before we all die!'  
  
"How long have you guys been here?" "About half an hour I could be wrong though" Another voice called out It was another teacher. Meanwhile in another part of the school Tyler waited in the libaray as he tried not to open the door he wasn't sure what was on the other side.  
  
Lara: *just barely restraining her hand* Must-not-open-door! Might-prematurely-end-bad-fic!   
  
Even though he heard the gunshots Tlyer didn't open the door there might be someone looking for survivors.  
  
Jill: Yup, wouldn't want to survive now would we?  
  
Outside of the libaray Marvin and Mr Tevin neared the entrance Marvin stops for a moment as he looks over at Mr Tevin "You hear something?" He asks Mr Tevin, he pauses for a momnet. "Nope" He said as he strained to hear anything suddenly his ears picked the sound of footsteps, just then a large man rounded the corner the two mens jaws drop in disbelife of his size maybe 8 feet tall clad in a full length treancoat  
  
Darc'I: 'treancoat' rhymes with 'bean-coat.'  
Lara: Darc'I, have we ever told you that you are odd?  
Darc'I: *blush* Oh, go on!  
Lara: I'm not quite sure it's a good thing.  
  
a pale emtionless face was the only thing that could be seen as he approached them Marvins eyes scanned the hall franticlly wondering what could bring down this monsoursity, He looked up at the ceiling and noticed a broken peice of tiling with a power line exposed, He quickly notices a bucket of water left by a janitor   
  
Regina: How convenient he noticed these conveniently placed things.  
  
probally as he fled for his life. He looked at Mr Tevin then the bucket of water He nodded quickly as Mr Tevin kicked the bucket of water over and the water spread around the giants feet. He looks down for a moment then back up at them and contiuned forward Marvin took aim and fired two times severing the wire as giant looks up jus as it slams against him, The current runs from his body to the water and the creature's body jerks in pain, and falls to the ground as his body smolders the two men make their way past him, almost gagging on the smell of his burnt flesh they both make their to the Libary.  
  
Jill: Notice how they say Libary, not library, and 'ghetti instead of spaghetti.   
  
Mr Tevin knocks on the door, "Hello?" he calls through the door, as they wait it feels like an eternity as Marvin checks their backs he checks his handgun ammo '10 rounds left' he thought to himself as the libarays doors lock clicked open and Tyler peeked out from behind the door. Mr Tevin rushed inside quickly as Marvin  
  
Lara: Shot Tyler out of the way.  
  
backed into the room wondering where the next creature may emegre from and what form it might take. "This is Marvin he's from the rpd, How is everone Tyler?" He said  
  
Darc'I: Dead, how about you?  
  
"Not bad what about you guys?"   
  
Tyler asked quickly "We have a problem" Marvin said as he looked at all the kids.  
  
Jill: Who quickly began running around, and screaming in panic and fear.  
Back at the school Hunk  
  
Regina: Wait a second, I thought that the school was in the library.  
Darc'I: Maybe it is, who knows anymore?  
  
was begining to see he was told he little time to work with, As he fended off half dead dogs with his H&K P 40, with a few shots to the head to dog fell to the ground with a yelp and didn't move, Being satisfied Hunk looked around for more targets to deal with, Hunk notices the bodies that line the ground and no movement   
  
Regina: Why, he's a regular Sherlock Holmes isn't he?  
  
Hunk reaches into his vest and pulls out what looks like a spray of some sort,  
  
Lara: Gee, how brilliant, mace is really going to work on dead people.  
  
He carefully aims it at the head head  
  
Jill: Head head, some sort of new fangled appendage that?  
  
of the corpse and pulls the trigger  
  
Darc'I: But he misses and shoots himself in the foot.  
Lara: AH! DAMMIT! THAT'S THE THRID TIME TODAY! MOTHER!  
  
as the liquid hits the head it peels back any flesh and the head falls in on itself "One down who knows how many to go" he continues taking the care of the other corpses in the same manner   
  
Jill: Pretending that they're his mother in law?  
  
and exits through the door ahead of him. Ms Ryner makes her way to the libaray as she notices a puddle of water and stentch that surrounds it,  
  
Regina: The water system of Raccoon leaves much to be desired, even worse then when the zebra muscles invaded Lake Michigan!  
  
and looks up at a frayed wire hanging down. Whatever got hit by the wire and could walk away from that, She'd rather not meet up with it.  
  
Lara: Wow! Another psychic! How DID she know? How does she compare with Ms. Cleo? Which is cheaper?   
  
Ms Ryner finally deicded to get around the puddle   
  
Jill: By…STEPPING OVER IT!  
All: gasp!  
  
and try to enter the Libaray  
  
Regina: Hey! I was right, the library IS in the school! And they misspelled it again.  
Darc'I: Big surprise.  
  
to see if anyone was there, As she walked upto the door she held her breath as she knocked on the door. hoping that she wouldn't have to use the shotgun she had gotten from the police cruiser.  
  
Darc'I: Well, isn't that just a tad bit severe for a disciplinary method?  
Lara: Do YOU remember how kids act?  
Darc'I: Hmm, you're right.  
  
As Ms Ryner waited for ansewer she could hear faint footsteps from inside the door "Hello?" Ms Ryner called out the footsteps sounded as if they were getting closer to the door and lock clicked open, The door opened with Tyler standing behind it as he looked through the crack, As he caught sight of Ms Ryners smiling face   
  
Lara: He quickly slammed it in her face.  
  
his face lit up and he hugged her tightly she stroked his brown hair as she reassured him "Everything will be fine"  
  
Regina: He continued to hug her, and then he began to bite her…  
  
As she looked around the room full of kids, She smiled and pulled away from Tyler  
  
Jill: Who still didn't seem to want to let go.  
  
"Ok kids we have to get out of here" She said as she look more serious than she had ever before. Marvin and Tevin decided to make their way to the Music room  
  
Darc'I: Now how the hell did they figure out that people were in the Music room!?  
Jill: I'm beging to think that this isn't the work of psychics, but that they just have the script in their back pockets.  
  
without having seen anything for quite a while except gunshots was almost a comfornt in the fact is that he won't have to use the little ammo that remains in his handgun that Marvin had given him, Marvin was a bit worried though about the gunshots wondering that if someone might be hunting down the survovirs of the masscrae,  
  
Lara: Well, isn't he just little Miss. Sunshine? What ever would put that thought into his head? The script may chance?  
  
He tried to keep that in the back of his mind but with every gunshot heard the thought beared more and more on his mind, But as they reached Music Room doors his fears lighented a bit as the sound of music softly flowed from the doorway,  
  
Jill: Well, what the hell? They want the monsters to find them?  
  
Inside the music room Tessa has proped herself against the door as she would feel any movement against it at all,  
  
Regina: You know, I think that she is the smartest person in this whole fic, if only she hadn't befriended Sherry, who, come to think of it, really isn't playing much of a role. Think she got eaten?  
Lara: Hope so, that way no one will ever have to baby-sit her again!  
  
She hoped that the music woiuldn't attract anyone or anything that would threaten her of the kids she was looking after, But they were getting restless and she was getting tired of hearing nothing but moans and gunshots as well the walking of the dogs and such.  
  
Darc'I: I wonder what 'such' refers to? Hmmm.   
  
Suddnely a knocking at door startled Tara making jump away from the door and turn to it,  
  
Regina: It was a zombie and thanks to her jumpiness they were all killed.  
  
She sighed as she felt stupid about noticing it, After all the sounds she'd heard this one sounded human no stratching and pounding just the solid knock of someone wanting to help, Hopefully. She opened the lock and swung the door open as she did she caught sight of Mr Tevin and a policeman, She smiled and asked "Whats the deal?" "We have to get out of here right now"   
  
Jill: *as Tessa* Why?  
Lara: *as Mr. Tevin, looks at script* Because they planted bombs around the school!  
Jill: Really!? Lemme see that…hey, it says here that we're gonna run in to Tyrant as soon as we open the door. Well poop!  
  
Marvin said Tessa nods and looks at the kids "What do you say we get hell out here?" She asks them all the kids cheer a 'Yes' Tessa smiles and they head for the back exit, As they walked down the hall another door opens a little ahead of them down the hall. The lumbering beamoth walks through the door.  
  
Darc'I: *as Tyrant* Dammit! I can't find the bathroom!   
  
"No not treachcoat again" Mr Tevin said  
  
Regina: *as Mr. Tevin* Quick! We need to find a bucket of water and an exposed wire!  
  
"Who?" Tessa asked? "No time" He quickly replied "I'll hold him off u guys make it out another way" Marvin yelled and the kids ran, Along with Mr. Tevin, He realized he still a handgun "You kids go ahead if you see anything that looks dead run around or away from it"  
  
Jill: Or use the dodge button!  
Lara: *as kid* wont that get us killed?  
Jill: Oh, uh, of course not.  
  
He told them quickly, As He headed back to help out Marvin, Meanwhile Ms Ryner had gathered the kids together and started for the front door to pick up the other kids and from the sickroom she heard the gunshots she half stopped as the first one rang out it stopped her practilly in midstride as heard it.  
  
Darc'I: She heard it quite well in fact, since it had hit her.  
  
"Everyone stay here ok" She asked them the kids nodded as Tyler stood watch over them looking up and down the halls to see if anything else dead looking roaming the halls, 'None here' He thought Ms Ryner knocked at the door once again to see if anyone will ansewer Shery  
  
Jill: Ha! They even misspelled Sherry's name! I laugh mirthfully! Ha!  
  
pulls the door open as she peeks through the doors crack She smiles as she see's both Tyler and Ms Ryner "Ok lets go" Ms Ryner said to Sherry and group of kids huddled into the small room as Ms Ryner walks upto the door she notices that there's  
  
Regina: An empty liquor bottle and Sherry is looking suspiciously bleary eyed.  
  
small bombs lining the doors, Ms Ryner quickly looks over at the windows and helps the childrens through one by one.  
  
Lara: On about the 3rd kid she gets annoyed and just begins to shove them all through.  
  
As she dose more gunshots rightout breaking the silence she heard only a minute ago, And worries about the other teachers as she helps  
  
All: *cough*shove!*cough*  
  
the last child through the window  
  
Jill: She then jumps out and onto the pileup they have made.   
  
"I'll be back in a minute or two" She tells them as she heads towards the gunshots carring the shotgun preparing herself to use it if need be She rounds the corner to see Mr Tevin and a policeman firing at a nine foot tall person bound in a treachcoat,  
  
Regina: I swear they said he was 8 ft.  
Jill: I don't know, ask Claire.  
Darc'I: 'Treachcoat,' rhymes with 'peach-coat.' Ha, that's funny.  
  
She aims the shotgun and begins to fire as well the shotgun kicks her back and losses time to re aim though the shotgun rounds tear open holes in the hulking man. He finally falls after she fires five times  
  
Lara: 5 TIMES!?! THAT'S IT!? WITH A SHOTGUN!?! When I played RE: 2 it took about a dozen!  
  
"God what was that?" She wonders aloud, "I have no idea but I say we leave beofre sleeping beauty wakes again" Mr Tevin with a smirk.   
  
Jill: Upon seeing that smirk, and mistaking it's meaning, Ryner slaps Tevin.  
  
"We've gotta leave quick the front is all set to be bomded for some reason" Ms Ryner said.  
  
All: ! That sounds like something we would say! Jeez, if all the fics begin to make fun of themselves we'll be out of a job!  
  
The three make their way to the front entrance, A beeping can be heard as the counters began counting down 30 second left, She looked to where she had helped the kids through no kids there. Ms Ryner uses the stock of her shotgun to bust open the glass of the window as the three make their through and run for their lives as the school blows up behind them,  
  
Lara: By some cruel twist of fate burning hot shrapnel hits them in the behinds.  
  
They dive forward after getting up the two teachers eyes scan the school grounds trying to see where kids might be, Nothing total silence except for the crackling flames echo around them.  
  
Regina: Figuring that the kids had gone back to the school right before it blew they went to white castle to eat grease.  
  
"Ms Ryner over here!" Tyler called the trio notices that the children had already filed into a bus and are waiting for them. Mr Ryner smiles as she heads for the bus, Suddelnly a smashing sound is heard and the huge man apprears once again on fire but seemly unefffected by the fire that still clings to his treancoat  
  
Darc'I: Bean-coat, he, he.   
  
"Damn he won't give up!" Marvin exclaimed   
  
Jill: He smells the old sandwich in your pocket!   
  
"I have an idea try to hold him off as long as possilbe" She tell them as she runs fopr the bus and takes the keys out of her pocket and jumps into the drivers seat, She quickly turns to key and the engine roars to life meanwhile Tevin and Marvin have their hands full dealing with the gaint "It'll only take a minute I promise I'll be back" Marvin mocked as he fired off the remaining ammo in his gun the sound of a horn filled the air and Marvin looked over his shoulder "Jesus christ" Marvin dove to the side as did Mr Tevin.  
  
Lara: They accidentally bumped heads though and knocked each other out.  
  
As Ms Ryner turned the wheel hard making the back of the bus whip around and hit the gaint square,  
  
Regina: Square? What the hell?  
  
Just as he turned to face the sound the thing was thrown about twenty feet he landed on his chest and layed there 'Yes' Ms Ryner thought to herself as she opened the bus door and waved at them to "Come on guys lets go"   
  
Lara: *as Marvin* Where?  
Darc'I: *as Ryner* Why, McDonalds of course!  
Lara: Ugh, I'd rather take my chances with Tyrant!  
  
She said Marvin and Mr Tevin jumped onto the bus as she sped up and left the parking lot. There was an uneasy silence as kids didn't know what today as the bus travled down the streets "Thinks he dead?"   
  
Jill: Of course not, then there wouldn't be any point for a sequel.  
  
Mr Tevin asked Marvin, "I'm not sure but I have to to get back to the RPD, God knows whats happening there right now" Marvin said as he shook his head.  
  
Darc'I: And shook it and shook it and shook it, then it popped off.  
Lara: Owie.  
Regina:…Well, I think it's over.  
Jill: Great! I gotta pee!  
Darc'I: Not before me you don't!  
  
Everyone scrambles out. 


	2. ANOTHER CHAPTER!?! Sacrlige!!!

Back in the rec room Lara, Darc'I, and Regina are dressed as teachers. All are wearing glasses,   
which Regina and Darc'I seem to have a problem seeing out of, and are waving their hands   
around frantically trying to ignore their new depth perception problems. Then Jill comes in dragging   
a big crate behind her. It seems to hold something alive inside of it.  
  
Lara: I assume that you got one?  
  
Jill: Yeah! And I found it just wandering around outside, now let's get to work! *pulls up the latch   
on the box and a discombobulated zombie stumbles out*   
  
Darc'I: Eww, it smells bad.  
  
Lara: Too bad, stick in the chair and lets get this show on the road.  
  
Regina, Darc'I, and Jill gather round the zombie and then wrestle it into one of those annoying   
chair desk combinations that schools seem so fond of. Lara then pulls out a meter stick and begins   
swinging it at everything in reach.  
  
Lara: All right then, *turns to the board* this is a trinomial equation, factor it. Now! Right, you   
should be done with that, moving on to science here is a atom, these make up matter which   
makes up everything else. For English, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Now social studies…  
  
Regina: Lara?  
  
Lara: *angrily* What? I'm trying to teach! *turns around* oh.  
  
Darc'I: His brain melted.  
  
Jill: Wow, that's never happened before, you want a job in the RPD Lara? We could use you.  
  
Regina: Never! You can't have her, we need an incessant babbler here.  
Lara: I don't babble…  
Darc'I: Yeah, get your own babbling know it all!  
Lara: I don't babble!  
  
Jill: Oh all right, keep her; well just get Wesker to explain why our holiday bonuses are so small   
this year to them. That should do it just as well.  
  
Lara: I DON'T BABBLE!  
  
*lights flash and Natla comes up on screen*   
  
Natla: What the hell are you doing? What is that!? Did you melt something in the microwave   
again!?  
  
Lara: Oops! Look at the time! Better get back in the theater! *runs away*  
  
Regina: Couldn't agree more! *grabs Jill and follows Lara*  
  
Darc'I: *stands there looking at the pile of zombie for a moment, then looks up, grins at Natla and   
runs off as welll*  
  
Natla: WAIT!! GET BACK HERE AND CLEAN THIS UP! ARRRGH!  
  
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater  
  
Everyone sits down in the same order as before.  
  
Jill: Ooooh, look, a safety line! \/ Is it there to keep us from falling into the fic?  
Darc'I: Oh boy was that bad.  
  
right, this is my first attampt at a Dino Crisis fic *bites finger nails*  
  
Jill: Then bites their finger off. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
read and reveiw, and tell me what you think, and if i should continue.  
  
Regina: No! Stop right there! If you do we can get out of here early!  
Lara: But then we have to go clean up our zombie friend.  
Regina: Oh, continue then, mortal.   
  
Dino Crisis 3- time to rescue Dylan  
  
Regina1: Dumbass, always screwing things up.   
Darc'I: What do you expect? He's blonde.  
  
(fade in to see a heavy machine gun being loaded, then slowly zoom out to show regina.  
  
Regina1: *jumps up and raises hands over head* Here I am! Right here! Yup, I'm here!  
Lara: Sit down you moron.  
  
she looks very determined. she's wearing the same outfit as in dc2, but where she in grey (arms,   
legs, and neck) its now dark blue.  
  
Jill: Hehe, they took the liberty of changing your outfit eh?  
  
we see the door slowly open behind her, she notice's this, and does a quick 180' turn and aim's   
her gun, we then see a full veiw on the door, to reveal Rick standing standing there. he looks the   
same as in DC1, and he has a gun strapped to his shoulder)  
  
Darc'I: He promptly collapses under the weight of it.  
Regina1: Figures.   
  
Rick: whoa! do i look like a big green lizard to you?  
  
Regina1: No, you look like a scrawny black dork.   
  
Regina: well, just trying out some old moves.  
  
Lara: Like shooting your own troops?   
  
Rick: (shakes his head) look, i got something to show you  
  
All:…   
  
Regina: what? a new gun?  
  
Regina: *pulls out handgun* Shooting stuff! *pulls the trigger*   
All: Ah! Put that down! *clobbers Regina and wrestles the gun from her*   
  
Rick: hehehe, you wish!  
  
Regina1: Yes indeedy I do.   
  
(they leave the room, we follow them down the hall, which looks very old) . rick stops at a door,   
and regina stops behind him,  
  
Jill: Trips, and rams into him. The impact kills him, unfortunately, and Regina is discharged from   
service.  
Regina1: Yeah! 3 day weekend!  
  
rick opens the door)   
  
Rick: ladies first!  
  
Darc'I: Go to hell.   
  
Regina: charmed!  
  
Regina1: No I'm not.  
  
(she walks in, rick follows   
Scene: In what looks like a waiting room, but it looks quite old)  
  
Lara: Government not springing for new facilities again, eh?   
  
Regina: so, whats this, 'thing'?   
  
(She spots a man who has his back facing her)   
  
Regina: who's that?  
  
Jill: Your worst nightmare! Whoooo!   
  
(The man turns around, we still dont see his face)  
  
Darc'I: He doesn't have one, does he?   
  
Man: Im the 'thing!'   
  
Regina: (surprised) GAIL!!!!   
  
(She runs up to him, and hugs him)   
  
All: GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gail: (we now see his face, and it's none other than gail, from DC) whoa! its nice to see you too!   
  
Regina1: *cough* Not! *cough*  
  
Regina: What are you doing here!?!?!?  
  
Lara: I'm here to give everyone noggies! He then pulls out a pair of sharp brass knuckles and,   
after noggieing Regina and Rick to death goes off in search of his next victims.   
Darc'I: Ahhh! Noggie's of death!   
  
Gail: Well, rick told me, you could do with some help,   
  
Regina1: What the hell? Rick, you moron.  
  
you know, all this rubbish about going into the future, killing more dinosaurs, personally, i think   
you guys are around the twist!  
  
Darc'I: Bangin up the home time hammy beef!  
Jill: Flip-flop on the time side daddio!  
Lara: Err…   
  
Regina: it's true!   
  
Regina1: No it's not!  
Regina1: Yes!  
Regina1: No!  
Regina1: Yes!  
Lara: You can't do that anymore, stop.  
Regina1: But…  
Lara: No.  
  
Rick: yeah yeah, we'll believe it when we see it! but, wait, what are we going for again?  
  
Jill: I donno, nostalgia I guess.   
  
Regina: to save my friend, Dylan.   
  
Gail: right.........so, we actually have to go into, a vortex thing, thats takes us into the future, with   
lot's of dinosaurs, and save your imaginary friend.....?  
  
Regina1: Yup! And the thing, with the things, and the button to the right of the leftest button, and   
stuff.   
  
Regina: ohh, shut up! you believe me really!  
  
Jill: Really really! Oh really, really, really, really!   
  
(Rick sighs)  
  
Lara: Then falls over dead.   
  
Rick: so is this time warp thing ready yet? or like what? we cant sit here forever!   
  
Regina: yeah, its ready, we should get going.   
  
Darc'I: Ok, so they're going to do this without any higher authority being told whatsoever?   
Figures.  
  
Gail: so, how did you actually do all this? you know, make a time thing?   
  
Regina: when i was in edward city,  
  
Lara: *shaking fist at screen* It's Edmonton, Canada! You know it is!!! Admit it!  
  
we had to collect data from the third energy project, and thats where i got the information, on   
how to build the time machine.   
  
Rick: But, why would the third energy project know about the time....warp....thing?   
  
Regina: i haven't got time to explain, we really need to help dylan!!  
  
Jill: Dylan this, Dylan that! What is this guy to you anyways?  
Regina1: How the hell should I know? I didn't write this crap.  
Darc'I: Ohhhhh, is he your boyfriend or something?   
Lara: That would be interesting, Regina and a thick headed army goof…  
Regina1: Oh yeah!? Well what about the Alex West person? Eh? Or Ruper? And Chris huh? I'm the   
only one with no romantic life here! I rule!  
Lara: Oh, that's low, I might have to kill you now…right after I go kill Angelina Jolie, and the guy   
that played the West, he's too ugly to live.  
Darc'I: Ruper's twice my age! Twice! What are you thinking?  
Jill:…so? I'm supposed to be insulted by that?  
Regina1: *pulls out copious amounts of her own hair*   
  
Gail: but, how do you know that all this is gonna work out? what if we cant get back?!  
  
Lara: Back? Oh, yeah, getting back, uh, of Course we can get back…heh-heh…   
  
(A girl walks through the door. she looks about 16. she has long brown hair, in a plait. she's   
wearing the same outfit as regina, but in army/camoflage sort of get up  
  
Darc'I: Why am I having so much trouble imagining that?  
  
, she's a memeber of T.R.A.T as it shows on the back of her)  
  
Jill: sounds like a young Lara.  
Lara: I hated myself at 16.   
  
Regina: who are you kid?  
  
Darc'I: Sherry Birken all growed up!   
  
Girl: very funny, im Jerry,   
  
Lara: Jerry Springer!  
  
Rick said you needed some help with.....dinosaurs.....?  
  
Jill: Rick looks extremely proud and says 'yup!'   
  
(Regina gives Rick and evil glance, he shrugs)   
  
Regina: well, dont bother little girl, we're fine.  
  
Lara: No one says that to Sherry Birken! No one! Arrgh! I'll bite your calves you old hag!   
  
(walks towards her to take her outside)  
  
Darc'I: Ohhh, backwards grammar!   
  
Rick: Reg, wait, i think we'll need all the help we can get.  
  
Regina1: Now Rick, what have I told you about contradicting me? You always end up getting hurt.   
  
Gail: yeah, he's right, if the government isn't helping in this operation.....  
  
Lara: Gee, I wonder why?   
  
Rick: we'll be screwed basically.   
  
Jerry: well, lets get going!  
  
Jill: uh, didn't she just hear them say 'we're screwed'?   
  
(she walks out of the door, gail and rick follow, regina looks annyed,  
  
Lara: 'annyed' now that's a new one.  
  
but soon follows   
Scene: outside, on a dock. they are walkng along to the same sort of boat in DC2. Regina climb   
down onto the boat, down some stairs which are on the side of the dock, but Jerry just jumps   
down)  
  
Regina1: *as Jerry* Arrrgh! My legs!   
  
Regina: (coldy) well, that was childish.   
  
Rick: (jumps down too,  
  
Regina1: *as Rick* Arrrgh! You were right!  
  
oh come on Regina, she's just trying to have a little fun! lighten up!   
  
Regina: yes, but we're not here to have fun! we're here to save Dylan!  
  
All: ENOUGH!   
  
Jerry: sorry! ok, lets just do what we came here to do and do it!   
  
(she picks up a gun that was lying on some boxes,  
  
  
Lara: Just lying there, completely unattended, waiting for some young dolt to pick it up and shoot   
herself in the foot wit it…  
  
and her and rick walk to the cockpit cabin, and enter. Gail climbs down on to the boat and walks   
up behind regina)  
  
Darc'I: BOGGIE, BOGGIE, BOGGIE!  
Regina1: Ahhh! She then falls off the boat and drowns, thus my evil twin in vanquished!   
  
Gail: dont worry regina, we'll get your friend back.   
  
regina:(down hearted) i hope so......  
  
Jill: That bastard owes me seventeen crooners!   
  
(gail leaves for the cabin)   
  
Regina: I have to, I promised.......   
  
Darc'I: *sob!* I promised to get his dry-cleaning back to him! I promised!   
  
right, i know that was kind of a shitty introduction,  
  
Lara: And we couldn't agree more.  
  
but i couldn't think of any other way to start it:  
  
Jill: Oh, I bet you could've if you had thought about it for about 10 seconds instead of 5.  
  
( but if you guys still want me to carry on with this, I will, (and I'll make sure its not as crap as this)  
  
All: Don't continue! And thank you, the 'not as crap as this' gesture was lovely!   
  
p.s please read and reveiw this!!!!   
  
Jill: Aw, I got your review right here…*pulls out a gun*  
  
Lara: That's it! Out! Everyone! Mosey!  
  
Shuffle, movement, run run, 'freedom!'  
  
0…1…2…3…4…5…6…rec room.  
  
Everyone crowds into the kitchen for sustence distribution (i.e.: cheetos and Hawaiian punch)  
  
Darc'I: *through mouthful of cheetos* that was pretty bad, remind me to run screaming from the   
base if she ever gives us anything in script form again.  
  
Jill: Uh huh, so, when do we go home?  
  
Darc'I, Lara & Regina: Home?  
  
Jill: Uh, yeah…  
  
Lara: Well, I think that Natla might send you up the tube and back home so…oh my god! You can   
go for help!  
  
Regina: Hey, yeah! That's a great…wait a second. Why didn't we just ask our previous, ahem,   
'guests' to go for help?  
  
Darc'I: Because they were mostly men, or had to run out of here up heavy fire.  
  
Regina: Ah, hmm, well Jill, you think you can remember to get us help here?  
  
Jill: *saluting with a punch moustache* Yes! I'll do my dandiest! Help me get back up the tube!  
  
All: Yay!  
  
*lights flash*   
  
Darc'I: Shazbots, it's Natla. *hits button*  
  
Natla: Hello mortals, I see you finished my movies.  
  
Lara: Yes, and they were not as short as you claimed they would be.  
  
Natla: Too bad, Jill? Are you ready to leave?  
  
Jill: What? You mean you're releasing me? Of your own free will? No one is holding a gun to your   
head?  
  
Natla: Of course not, it's too expensive to have more then three people out there. Now get up   
that tube!  
  
Jill: Yahoo…I…wait, how do I get up again?  
  
Natla: Simple, I just reverse the suction doodads on the controls like so…  
  
*pulls out what looks like a remote car controller, suddenly the tube pops open and begins to suck   
up almost everything in the room. Everyone grabs something ad holds on for dear life*  
  
Darc'I: *holing piping in the ceiling* Wait! No! The video games!!! We must save them!  
  
Regina: *clinging to the couch with Jill* Don't worry! I know what to do! *Pries Jill's fingers off the   
couch, Jill then goes flying up the tube and the suction abruptly stops. Everyone falls out of view of   
the camera*  
  
Lara's voice: Well, that went better then could have been expected, are the games safe?  
  
Darc'I's voice: Yes, I think so.  
  
Lara: Good.  
  
*everyone stands up, their hair is all standing straight up.*  
  
Regina: She better remember to send help or I'll get her by gum!  
  
Darc'I: Yeah, but I think we have a more pressing matter to attend to.  
  
Lara: What's that?  
  
Darc'I: Hair gel, lots of it.  
  
All: To the hair gel mobile!  
  
This is the end, the only end my…oh! Hair gel! Gooey! 


End file.
